why “positive” body image trends are still harmful
we need to stop the commoditization of beauty.
Thinspo, fitspo, obsessions with thigh gaps, with six packs, with curves…
No matter what “positive” body image trend society tries to create, the meaning is still the same:
We put too much value into how we look and less value into how we think, speak, and act.
For far too long, girls have been objectified.
We’ve been told that beauty is our greatest asset, that the prettier we are, the more successful we can become.
And society has done nothing but reassert this, over and over again.
Look at Hollywood — at Jennifer Lawrence, at Kendall Jenner. Hollywood’s biggest darlings may be so-called positive role models, but don’t forget that they didn’t become famous because they were great people.
No, they became famous because they have pretty faces.
This isn’t just America, however; it’s resounding across the globe.
In Asian cultures, the more fragile you look, the better. Girls who are bone thin complain about getting fat, and girls who are average-sized diet to achieve that coveted slim figure.
Whenever I’m back in China, I’m ostracized for my athletic build and curves; even though I’m Chinese, that combination is something that’s rarely seen in Asia.
My own mother doesn’t help either. As many other Asian American children can relate, parents are prone to encouraging their children to eat more, and then criticizing them for eating so much.
“Why aren’t you eating my food? I made it just for you,” my mother scolds.
And then, as I dutifully take a couple more bites:
“Don’t eat too much! You’ll get fat!”
And later on:
“You need to watch what you eat. Ever since you came back from college, you’ve gotten a lot thicker in the waist.”
I’ve seen my mother skip meals, seen her go on various health-fad diets, complaining all the time that she’s gotten “thicker in the waist.”
She’s forty-seven, and still has the same figure as she did when she was twenty five.
She tried to teach me girls need to be beautiful inside and out…
…but how can you be beautiful inside when you’re worrying about your next meal, about how many calories it is, about how much weight it’ll make you gain and how much exercise you’ll need to do to work it off?
How can you be beautiful inside when all you can think of is preserving your looks, because you think you have a shit personality and boys will only like you if you look pretty?
And how can you be beautiful outside if you’re destroying yourself internally, your mind breaking, your heart tired, your soul worn thin?
In high school, I was the biggest among my friends.
I wasn’t fat — I was probably the fittest due to daily double swim practices—but I had boobs and a butt.
But my friends were stick thin, and a lot of times it was hard to love my body the way it was.
Even when I’d walk onto the pool deck in my form-fitting suit before practice and people would comment, “Wow, you have the perfect body,” I would think about how I would pinch my stomach, wondering why I didn’t have washboard abs.
Or the way my thighs rubbed against each other when I walked. Or that I couldn’t wear the typical California boho chic shirts that were so in, because anything that was loose draped weird on my boobs and made me look like a walking tent.
And they didn’t understand. For many of my friends and teammates, being thin was natural. That’s just how they were born. How could I blame them?
But sometimes, the jokes went too far. The way they called each other — and me — “fat” so casually.
“Don’t be such a cow,” someone said one time. And while I know they love me, and while I know it was just a joke, it stung nonetheless.
It hit a little too close to home — they didn’t know how many times I’ve felt like a heifer.
In college it got better. People appreciated my boobs, my butt. I’ve been called hot, beautiful; I’ve been cat-called and whistled at.
But that’s still the problem.
I wish I could say it didn’t bother me, but it did. People are still so fixated on looks that I won’t be known as the really smart girl, or the really nice girl, or the really interesting girl. I’ll be known as the Asian girl with the really big boobs.
And that’s the problem with society.
I’m not saying that we should forget about looks altogether. I’d be a hypocrite if I were to say that. After using apps like Tinder, which is based more or less on pure attraction, I can’t help but admit that yeah, we tend to judge a book by its cover.
“That guy looks like a douche,” I’d think, and proceed to swipe left. “That guy has a nice smile,” I’d think, and swipe right.
Guys are even worse (and have lower standards). Whereas I’d swipe right maybe once every 40 people, guys swipe right every two or three people.
What I’m saying is to watch what you say.
It’s easy to call someone fat or ugly in spite. It’s even easier to joke about it. Don’t joke about someone’s appearance; scars may run deep below the surface.
Until we as a society decide that external appearances aren’t valued more than internal ones, all we can do is laugh off the fat jokes and accept the loaded compliments, telling ourselves all the while that we are worth more than our looks, that we can be successful no matter what.
We are worth more than our looks. We can be successful no matter what.
Written in May 2014.
